I have been seriously neglecting my role as an author on this blog site, and so I decided to step out on my tumblr account. Here are some of my latest posts about what's been going on in my spiritual walk over in Pittsburgh a little while ago, and in the random Christian music world.
It's old stuff, so don't beat me up if you've heard about this already.
Enjoy................
POEMS:
I'm sure.
Why is it the easiest to smile,
when you’re crying the hardest on the inside?
This wondrous world seems to be passing over me,
and no one is taking that expected look back.
Everything seems so right. But I know better.
Everything is wrong. Everything is very very wrong.
I’m living in the past, as I desire to look into the future,
leaving the present desolate. Uninhabited.
There’s no soul shining from here.
The me that I used to love is buried deep
underneath layers of pain, suppressed emotion,
laughter, smiles, sin, sacrifice and expectations.
The harder I try, the more I realize that I can’t.
If I weren’t so sure that God had a purpose for me,
That God were testing me, challenging me,
Maturing me, teaching me, revealing to me,
Expecting from me, rebuking me,
Growing me, stretching me, preparing me
For His good, great, perfect will…
I’d have nothing to live for.
I’d have nothing to live for.
But, I’m sure.
I miss you.
I’m trying out poetry.I figure it’s like writing music, right? Just, with whatever structure you want, unrestricted by music…So. Here we go. My attempt at poetry. Actually… it’s more like a revelation from God that I needed to write down. I’m somewhat of an open book in this blog post, but what the heck. I don’t really care. Testimony is amazing and God-given. So enjoy… i guess:
To hear that everything I’d once clung onto is no longer there,
Leaves me grasping the air, gasping for air.
I’m utterly confused, because my anchor is in Christ,
And yet the pain of one tie being slowly wrenched from my heart
Feels like it’s enough to paralyze,
Taking away with it my ability to stand
I look into the past and realize
That the glass fortress that I’d placed around my heart
Was perforated with weak points
And as the wall fell, I fell.
But where to, I can’t be certain.
I don’t think I ever will be.
It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.
I miss the very much appreciated me.
I miss my quirky uncertainty.
I miss the places where time had no dignity.
I miss the selflessness.
I miss the laughter.
I miss the innocence.
I miss how my heart used to flip uncontrollably.
I miss feeling like I’d found what everybody else was searching for.
But, as my heart cries for healing
I realize that I missed so many directions from You.
I missed a SEASON of intimacy with You.
I missed it, when You sent one of Your souls my way.
They walked by that street corner where I should have been standing.
I missed my point of no return.
I missed it when You were crying for me to show Your dignity.
I missed the sacrifice.
I missed the peace.
I missed the wisdom.
I missed so many challenges that were meant to create Your me.
I missed the very moment when You were whispering to me my purpose in life.
Yet, I receive grace.
And although I cry when I think about how I miss you.
I moan when I think about how I miss You.
I don’t want to miss You again,
and so I’ll just cry.
Devotionals (aka revelation)
death.
Now, I’m perfectly aware that majority of the blogposts on my page aren’t exactly the brighten-up-your-day type of excerpts. That… I am perfectly fine with. But you understandably may be asking,
“Why, kent, would you knowingly limit yourself and your blogworld to subjects of tears, storms, heartbreak, trials and tribulation? And then to top it OFF, you’re gonna make us read about death?! *You’re* nice…. pssh”
See.
Here is issue number one.
You, blogworld, have made the mistake of actually associating death with subjects such as heartbreak, tears, storms, trials and tribulation.
Don’t feel bad though. Because the rest of this world has done it too.
A series of events have recently probed me to question this loomingly ominous and mysterious idea of “passing away” (as the consoling and the politically correct would say).
Some of these events have got me thinking.
…Thinking about two pretty popular objects of conversation:
1) Life
2) and death
I’m gonna have to start with death first. It almost hurts my heart when I think about the immediate connotation that comes with it. I was even reading a book for class yesterday and unconsciously equated the word that was really “dearth” with “death”. In this particular context, “dearth”, or lack of food, was the cause of a miserable and slow death for millions of Indians, who were victim to famines of 18th century. Sigmund Freud would say that I have accepted this common understanding of death to equal black, darkness, sadness and pain.
So, alright. Funny story.
My mind went a little wild earlier this week, and I began to think about how some people get to the point where they would commit suicide. This is a particularly controversial (and sometimes personally offensive) issue, but I feel equipped enough to dive into it a little bit. All I know is that, at one point not too long ago, I felt pretty hopeless. In the midst of my hopelessness and sadness, I began to think about “why I was living”. Not on a, “I don’t wanna live anymore” kinda tip, but more like a “I want to understand” type thing. (You can even see proof of this somewhere else on this blog, if you look hard enough). I felt so overwhelmed and weighed down… and thought that no one could understand me. But God quickly and lovingly smacked me across the face and gave me the answer_ to my questions.
But…. what if I hadn’t noticed God’s answer? What if I hadn’t been paying attention to His WORD, and had an understanding of my meaning “in Him”? What if I hadn’t known God AT ALL? How far would these questions have taken me, in my “vulnerable” state? What if I had never heard about God’s love and forgiveness and desire to know me as a person. My hope was found in Christ. But what about those people that base their entire hope in this world??? What are they supposed to do when this world lets them down??? I dunno man… all I know is that when people are trapped, they are “trapped”… as in, they have no knowledge of a possible escape.
I understood that I was being selfish and wallowing like a child… but this was only AFTER I had some much-needed perspective.
Next thing that happened? about an hour later, after my wonderfully refreshed appreciation for the unidentified purpose that God had given me, I was walking down the same street where I’d had my initial “sad-thoughts”… and I almost got hit by a car.
Not much else needs to be said. My appreciation was #confirmed.
And then a few other things went on in my realm… One of those being that one of my close friends lost a loved one.
Right.
I’ll say that things were put into perspective for me.
The number of times that the idea of “my purpose” went through my head, during this short season of my week, only later, indicated something. I realized how strong the correlation was with death & fulfilled purposed.
When I almost got hit by that car, I immediately said to myself 1: “I need to be better about crossing this street. I really need to be better about that”… and then 2: “Clearly God’s got something left for me to do”. No lie. Those were the first two things to go through my mind.
… I slowly started to realize that death is simply that thing that comes after we’ve fulfilled our purpose on this Earth
I know that sounds so superficially happy, but is it not the truth? I think that this world, this society, this culture has made death the enemy. Women are fighting old age, men are fighting the idea of fear, doctors are fighting the natural and authors are fighting the idea of mortality.
Now do NOT get me wrong. I appreciate my doctor. I love my health… My body is a temple lol. I’m not saying that doctors are bad. I’m saying that our world has turned the idea of medicine almost into an escape of this terrifying curious unknown, that is nothing like the comfortable life that they’ve built up for themselves.
You see…
If all of my treasures were stored up in this earth, I think I couldn’t help but have death be my enemy too.
But even as I write this blog post, I actually feel a sort of excitement about what comes after this life. You know how we sit around our friends and family and say, “I wonder what life is gonna be like in ten years? We’re all gonna be so grown, with babies and mortgages”. I love those conversations. And that’s exactly the type of excitement I feel. Imagine sittin around with friends asking, ”I wonder what we’re all gonna be up to in eternity.” Its kind of exciting isn’t it??
I know I’ve merged into the life conversation without notice, but ya’ll are quick to keep up. The two are barely separable. (Life and Death. They’re completely opposite, but can’t exist without the other…. hmmm)
Am I wrong in saying that my physical death will be the start of my eternal life? physical death=life? smh. That almost sounds like Phillipians 1:21, “to live is Christ and to die is gain” .
Of course, that’s taking into consideration the meanings of those words. It’s important to understand that humans have twisted this PHYSICAL death meaning. Physical death has no authority… but Spiritual death is nothing to be reckoned with.
I can only speak about this assured purpose in life and eternity, because I understand who Jesus Christ is and recognize what spiritual death is. You know, SIN, is an extra offensive word to some, but it’s really a small obstacle to get over, when you compare it to the promises that God has given. Sin is what causes spiritual death. I, straight up, am a sinner. This fact is not going to change. If anything, I’m understanding how deep of a sinner I really am, and will continue to be. Just recently, I’ve even (stupidly) struggled with feeling unworthy of God’s forgiveness. When Christ died on the cross, he was doing it out of pure love for mankind. Christ’s love, GOD’s love, gave me the ability to be forgiven for my sins… every. single. one. over. and over. and over. and over. My spiritual death is relieved of its duty. God has promised me eternity, just forever… chillin, basking in His love. And this understanding of my sin, my savior and my growing relationship with God, are the things telling me that I have this PURPOSE to fulfill before physical death.
I think my point, in this very long blog post, was to relieve our human perception of “physical death” momentarily, of its scapegoated position.
hopefully I’ve accomplished that.
don’t let physical death have you living in fear and sadness, but rather store up your treasures in eternity. That way after you’ve fulfilled your God-given purpose on this earth, you can party with the angels.
that’s all =)
signed.
cloth.
peaks&valleys.
Background Story: I was saved a little over two years ago, when I came to college, freshman year, and heard my first clear presentation of the gospel.
Now:
A sister in Christ once said to me a little while ago that there would be peaks and valleys in my relationship with God. I respected her so much for her faith and wisdom, as I was still a little babe in Christ at the time. But I straight up didn’t believe her. I literally had no idea what she was talking about.
I couldn’t imagine feeling doubt, disobedience and fear. When we first come to Christ, or when we’re delivered from sin (any sin, at that), our faith is restored with a fiery passion to live out the will of God. The God in our life, at that point, is invincible, and we are unstoppable through His power. When I first accepted Christ, I experienced this pure faith for the first time in my life. And it had me on a crazy crazy high… lemme tell you.
I was sharing the gospel to ANYONE who would listen. My family and friends back at home didn’t recognize me. This new and exciting news that I’d just discovered became the biggest thing in my life. Ha… Salvation: It was so simple, yet took me 18 daggone years to figure out. I was amazed at how invisible something can be one minute, and then rock your world the next. There was this fire in me that kept me excited about my God… thrilled about my new found love, my newfound purpose.
So when this young woman told me 6 months A.D (After Decision), that I was still on my “jusbinsaved high”, I nodded like I understood, but internally was like… “speak for yourself, oh ye minion of little faith”.
Welp.
My cocky little behind clearly didn’t know what I was talking about. Over the next 2 years or so, I would experience exactly what she was trying to warn me of.
Peaks and valleys. Tests and Trials. Dry spells… reconciliation, revelation. Seasons. Sin. Growth.
This isn’t going to be the typically and incredibly long blogpost, but rather simple, short and to the sweet point.
Christians. Don’t lose your fire. Continue to stay mindful of what kind of world you are living in and who you are in Christ. I think that my valleys come during those times when I’m able to convince myself that my reasoning is enough. Repeat: I convince myself that my reasoning is enough.
You know how your parent figure always used to make you do certain things that you typically hated, when you were little? Like brush your teeth, don’t sit too close to the TV, wash your dishes, go to bed early, eat your vegetables, do your homework, come in after dark… blah blah blah blah. You get the point. Now, you tell me how just one of those things didn’t benefit you somehow today. They were all for your health, safety and learning. Now, these are the things that you would do naturally on your own, now that you’re grown, you know better and you know how necessary they are. But while you’re young, and don’t understand, your faith and obedience to your parents wishes is all that you have to depend on.
Anyways, I said all that to say, when you hear “Read your Bible and pray”… it’s not so that the person saying this doesn’t have to hear you speak anymore, or because they want you to be uberSaved, like they are. It’s more like someone saying “eat your broccoli”. It’s for your benefit even when you can’t see it.
(lowkey: If I could just hammer that concept into my mind… DEEP DEEP into my subconsciousness… then these valleys that I seem to get stuck in, would be a lot shorter, and a lot less frequent)
Do you know what I want? I want that pure faith again. That feeling that nothing can stop me, cuz I’m Kingdom bound. Recently it seems like I go back home, right? And my friends and family are able to recognize me. I’m almost… normal. My justbinsaved high is falling or something.
Because I realize this now, I plan to change it. And only through the power of the Holy Spirit. My peaks and valleys have shown me that I, myself, am inadequate, but I, with God, can accomplish anything. So yea, I can’t say that I don’t appreciate my low moments. They are what stimulate growth… they humble me and teach me. But I absolutely refuse to get trapped in them. God has set us UP, man! He’s given us his living word, to guide us through whatever. I’ve noticed that whenever I take a step back, and get back into His word, with blind faith in God, He starts pulling me back up to my peak.
(btw. i clearly lied about this post being short. T’was a mistake, shoot. I had a lot to say. Father… forgive me)
Point?
I consider “normal life” to be a valley. The life that is accepted by this society?… a valley. That life reflects no fruit. That life is faithless, and selfish. I’ve heard some of the strongest Christians I know fall into a brief trap where they convince themselves that “I need a break sometimes”, “I’m not the messiah, I can’t be perfect” or “I’m strong in my faith… it won’t hurt me” (What does that even mean anyways?! If you’re strong in your faith, that just means you understand your weakness and how necessary faith is. smh. anyways…). But consider if Jesus took these arguments to heart.
Is the “not messiah” one tripping you up? Alright. That’s fine. Consider Paul… or Peter… or David… or Ananias (you can google him, cuz he’s one of those extra important randoms). The point is: It’s not about you. It’s about God.
These men aren’t remembered for how nice they were, their good looks, charisma, or good sense of humor. They are remembered for the impact that they had on the lives of others… impact that they had on the kingdom of God. If they hadn’t done what they were supposed to be doin, where. would. we. be?
When you’re at your peak? THAT’S when you’re seriously impacting the kingdom of God. My peak is when I’m on fire for God, submitted my life over to servitude for Christ (and… other variations of this, of course).
Flesh and the world can try to get in the way, but God provides us with a renewed mind. I’m just saying…. Don’t lose sight of where your peak is supposed to be.
I’m just saying.
That is all.
Signed.
Cloth.
music
Level 3:16- Tell 'Em (Internal Conflict:
New World Son- We are Forgiven:
B.Reith- Mess:
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