The Lord has been impressing upon me for several months to write my testimony. I actually wrote one before (circa December 2010, See Testimony of a Humble Servant), but it was not complete. Paul says in II Corinthians that he boasts all the more in his weakness so that Christ’s power could rest on Him. In my past testimony I did not frankly express all that God took me from, because of fear of making myself looking bad. Also, I was not fully repented and surrendered at that time to the Lord. God cannot fully get glory from a half-told, half-lived testimony. But it is a different story now.
God has taken me a long way. And to Him alone I give the glory.
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As a child I grew up going to church. It was important to my mother for my brother and I to get a Christian foundation. My dad was not religious, so it was my mom mainly that rooted us in our faith. I think that partly, it was the dividedness in my family that lead to me always being half-in and half-out about my faith. My dad always had a saying: ‘balance your life.’ This means religion is good, but one’s life should not revolve around religion, nor should you let one aspect of your life seep into the other aspects. There are times for church, times for school, times for fun, etc. Balancing means you allow each part into your life but not too much of any one thing.
I started to read the bible daily when I was in about 5th grade. There was a youth service at my church and I remember they would often speak of Solomon who in his young age asked the Lord for wisdom and the Lord granted it to him. We were often encouraged to read our bibles and pray. I distinctly remember one day I thought to myself, I should start reading my bible. I did not understand much of what I read, but I asked the Lord for wisdom. Overtime, I understood more and more. I started in Proverbs and went on from there.
(SIDENOTE: It is profound the seeds that leaders in children’s ministries sow. Those in these roles, I would encourage you to be diligent and faithful in this work because the seeds you are planting and watering one day will grow into fruition.)
Throughout middle school and into high school, I read my bible and prayed in my room each day, and then I mostly left my Christianity when I walk out of my bedroom. My faith certainly guided the decisions I made, but I was wary of bringing it up in conversation. Even though I knew what God was to me and how he answered my prayers and dried my tears, I just was not willing to tell others about Him. There were a few occasions I can remember when I felt like I should tell someone about Jesus. A few times I actually did, many other times I did not out of fear that people would get offended.
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Sometime before college, I made the decision that I was going to shed the ‘good girl’ image I had my whole life. I wanted to live the college life, and I believed that having the Christian girl image would hold me back in a way. So I just knew that going into college I was going to ‘balance my life.’ I was really good at walking this line of one foot in, one foot out with God. There were many, many opportunities to tell people about my beliefs. Not necessarily in a pushy type of way, but I simply ran across many curious, searching people in college but I had decided long before I had any opportunity to tell someone about the Lord that I would not speak.
Yet at the same time many even among the leaders believed in him. But because of the Pharisees they would not confess their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved praise from men more than praise from God.
-John 12:42-43
Fear and the belief that is not polite or appropriate to discuss my faith had me keeping my Christianity in a box. At the same time I did the college social scene and nightlife. Funny thing is I never really enjoyed the parties much, neither did I drink much. But I would still go to many parties. It is the most miserably thing to have too much God in you to fully let loose and enjoy things of the world but to have too much desires of this world in you to submitting to God in all things. So I was doing all this while consistently reading my bible, at least more times a week than not, if not daily.
Then my sophomore year comes around. One by one, every thing I had ever depended on – family, friends, academic success, finances – failed. I was left alone and scared. It was in this time that I came to understand that God is the true source of all my success, He is my provider. This was when I first came to understand the depths of his love for us, and his amazing mercy. We often feel like when situations look bad God is punishing us, has forgotten about us, or He does not love us anymore. But that is a lie. He often takes us through these things to teach us. But we have to have eyes to see the lessons to be learned in each situation. God was taking away every false idol I had ever put my trust in so that I would put my trust in Him and Him alone.
It was the best of times and the worst of times. The worst because of the amazing amount of stress I experienced and because of all the uncertainty. The best because I had never felt so close to the Lord. During this time I was having major anxiety; I wasn’t eating or sleeping well. I was loosing weight and even loosing some of my hair. I remember one time being so afraid, and happened to read:
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:27
Immediately I felt a wave of peace.
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In my junior year, God continues to work on me. I went through a period were I was suffering very privately. I doubt many knew how depressed and hopeless I felt. It was the exact opposite of the year before. In my sophomore year while everything was falling apart I had this amazing peace. During this time everything looked right from the outside – I had the academic success, accomplishments, the job, the leadership, the friends, etc. Yet I was so utterly depressed. I began to believe the lie that I was nothing, and that I would never get it right. I would just recount over and over all the things I did wrong, and I just could not move on. I was stuck, bogged down by so much negativity and I really started to believe that it would never get better.
But God. I don’t know how or why, but somehow, I started to go to church again and life was pumped back into me. I was reminded of the truth in the scriptures: that I am no mistake, no accident and no failure. It is impossible to be any of these things because I was made in God’s likeness, so I must be awesome by nature (and everyone reading this is awesome too!).
For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
Ephesians 2:10 (NLT)
This time was actually a blessing because through this, God gave me eyes to see depression and hopelessness in others. To see people who were suffering silently behind the smile on their face each day. He would soon call me to put this knowledge and discernment to use…
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I soon made a new group of friends and I strongly felt God telling me to talk to several friends about Him. I could discern that they were sorrowful and looking for something to hold on to.
But, that darn fear again... The fear of offending, the thought, We all have our religions, who am I to force mine on anyone… Fear always plagued me. Even though I knew what deep, dark, hopelessness the Lord brought me from, even though I knew how closely he stayed with me and gave me peace when my whole world was falling apart, I was unwilling to share the good news of hope and redemption with friends that I cared about and who were searching for the peace that can only come from resting in the true and living God. I let these precious opportunities go by.
How important it is to move at God’s timing. We can do nothing but act when He tells us. I tried to talk with them later on when I had courage to speak, but I was not moving with the spirit of the Lord. Opportunity lost. I still pray for them to this day and I know nothing is too hard for the Lord, He uses every part.
Around this same time I started dating a guy. Looking back, I realize because I was so blatantly disobeying God’s instruction to speak, it became easier to disobey the Lord in other areas of my life (in this case in relationships). From the beginning, I knew he was not the one I was looking for. He was a really nice guy, but I knew I wanted more. However, I was bored, lonely and feeling unworthy. I believed the reason I had never had a boyfriend before had to do with me: my standards are too high, I’m not interesting enough, I’m too conservative… All are just lies the enemy tries wants us believe in order to attack our purity, purity which the Lord so cherishes. Rather than seek the Lord and wait for Him to provide for all of my needs, out of fear and impatience, I took matters into my own hand and found a boyfriend. This man had taken an interest in me and was pursuing me, so I did not turn him away.
When we disobey God, the bible says that we are grieving the Holy Spirit. (Ephesians: 4:30) And there are also times in the bible when people have disregard His instructions so much that He will give them over to their lusts, their passions and their sinful desires.
For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened…Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.
-Romans 1: 21-24
To an extent, that happened to me. By my actions, I was telling the Lord
‘Yes, what you are saying sounds nice… But I do not want or need your instructions or guidance. I actually have this whole relationship aspect of my life down, I can figure this out on my own. Yes, I was waiting for you to provide but, umm... I haven’t seen anybody come yet so it seems like you either forgot or you are withholding something from me unjustly. So I will just go out and get what I want.’
At that time, the discernment that can only come from the Holy Spirit left me. I ended up investing time, feelings and ultimately far too much of my body in a man that I knew from the beginning was not everything that I was looking and hoping for. At the end, the only thing it left me was confused, hurt and broken.
It was some time before the pieces came back together, and I learned what the bible means when it says sexual sins are the only sins we commit against our own bodies (I Corinthians 6:18) and how a separation from God can occur when we allow our bodies to be defiled. Purity is so important to the Lord. It is of utmost importance. Only when we keep ourselves pure can we enter into his presence. Just as a father disciplines his child, God disciplined me and lead me to repentance. It was after this period that I truly rededicated myself to the Lord.
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Going forward, I had a true a heart to serve God. But in all honesty, I still had too much fear of man in me to fully please the Lord.
Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.
-Psalm 29:25
The only way to serve the Lord is wholeheartedly. He will not be satisfied with half of us, or even 99%. He wants 100% devotion and submission. He is so serious about lukewarmness. For a period, it seemed like I was always hearing about the topic of lukewarmeness and how God will not tolerate it.
I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth…Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock.
Revelations 3:15-20
This was so me, to an extent it still is. He is still dealing with me. See God can work on the coldness in people’s hearts. He would rather people be completely against him because he can soften the coldest and hardest of hearts with His loving kindness. But to hear the word of God over and over and make no effort to put it into practice or change one’s life as a result of it? That is what the lord defines as lukewarmness. We see in the passage above what His response is to that.
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Some people have quick conversions, others are more gradual. For me, it was gradual. Partly because of my personality and also partly because I gradually submitted to the Lord. One by one, I surrendered different aspects of my life to God. I know that when I finally gave Him that last piece, that which was nearest and dearest to my heart, my life has been changed.
Full submission to the Lord will change you. I do not know how to fully describe it, I just know that I was living a certain kind of life, and I am not living that life now because what He says goes. There is an abundant PEACE that comes from resting in the Lord. Just resting in his goodness and knowing that that He loves you with an everlasting, unbreakable love. A love that pursues and a love that is not taken away when we do wrong. Knowing and believing that He is all good and that there is no evil in Him. A peace that comes when we become fully convinced like Paul was when he wrote Romans:
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39
THAT is when we can rest in the peace that comes from the Lord (Matthew 28:30). That is when we can say Yes, Lord. I would never have done this before, I would prefer not to do this, I am afraid, I have never seen things look like this. But I will do what you have told me to do. At that point we rest in several truths about the Lord: 1. Wherever he is leading us, we will be not only okay, but we will be blessed and far better off than if we disobeyed His leading. 2. The safest place to be is in God’s will, wherever that is. 3. We cannot get lost anywhere the Lord is leading us.
That is the peace that comes from surrendering to the Lord. Then we get to experience this really cool thing called GRACE. What freedom it is to cast every care upon the Lord and to no longer work to create and orchestrate every little thing in our lives. To no longer strain to fit every piece perfectly into our puzzles, only to realize that this puzzle is actually a house of cards that falls apart at the slightest wind leaving us unable to put the pieces back together. No, instead I trust in the Lord. He will never disappoint those who put their trust in him (Isaiah 49:23). I am coming to really appreciate being carried along by the Lord in a peaceful rest knowing that wherever this stream of grace is flowing, God is in control of its direction so it must not only be safe, but it must be working out for my good. (Romans 8:28)
I could go on and on but I want to close with this: It’s all a journey, a process. It is not like overnight I became this on fire for the Lord, fearless and bold person. Ha! For some people, it is like that. For others it is not. (He made us each so differently.) I pray this encourages those who are more like me and the Lord does a work in them over time. We all stumble, but just as a child falls when learning to walk, so it is with our heavenly father and us. Our Christian walk is exactly that: mistakes, falling down and getting back up again. But rather than looking at our outcomes, God honors and rewards the effort and motivation of our hearts.
Neither has my life been easier, more materially prosperous or more comfortable since fully coming to the Lord. Jesus actually promised us more suffering in this world because of our uncompromising faith. That is why we do not serve the Lord solely for a feeling or for the perks. Since I fully devoted myself to the Lord, I have had storms. Larger storms than I have ever faced. But I had this peace in the middle of the storm:
“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
Matthew 7:24-26
Note the rain fell, the wind blew and the waters rose against both houses. But only one house was left standing? What was the difference? It’s foundation. All people in this life will face storms. I recently realized yes, I got saved because God is good, because His love restores all things and heals all wounds. But we come to the Lord because we are each escaping the righteous judgment that we would receive if we were each judged by our own actions, rather than Jesus’ perfect life. At the time I did not understand, but I now see I did not saved to only get blessed. I got saved to become a blessing to others and escape the fires of an eternal hell. It is a real place and this is a real decision we each must make.
I would leave you with this, take an honest examination of your foundation. What is your life based on? What are you serving - Money? Status? A relationship? A friendship? A career? Yourself? God say that we serve what we love. He is only after our affections. He does not really want the things we so often give: tithes & offering, time, volunteer, donations. What he really wants at the end of the day is US. Our hearts. He wants us to give ourselves to him!!
As I am writing this, I suddenly feel such a seriousness and heaviness now. It is really important, what are you working for? You cannot serve two masters. If you are not certain you serve the Lord I would seek him and get right now. Jesus is coming back. He is coming back, he will come back very soon and in order to be able to stand before him on that day our foundations must be solid or we will fall away. He will only take those whom he can command. Hearing his voice is not enough, we must obey.
I pray that this will leave you seeking the Lord and that this testimony glorified the Lord and turned his people to Him. There is nothing extraordinary about me except that I gave and am still giving myself away to Him. God is no respecter of persons, what he has done with me, in me and through me, he can and will do to you to, and I pray he would do it in an even greater measure in you! You must respond correctly to his invitation though. He always provides us with a choice. How will you answer? I pray for you. Know that you are loved.
